Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
