Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
