he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
