she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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