the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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