i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
