Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
