Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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