Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize