why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's