I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.