my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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