if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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