it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
