Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
