Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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