We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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