Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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