At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
