One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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