Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
