If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
