i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
