Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
