saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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