doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
