Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
