Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
