Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
