I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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