I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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