Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
