yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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