my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize