he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
