When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
