There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
