tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
