if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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