Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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