my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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