I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
