i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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