we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
