So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
