i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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