I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
