She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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