I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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