he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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