You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
