ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
