We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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